i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I look better un-naked...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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