3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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