So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
