I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
