I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
