that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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