yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
