He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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