I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
