just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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