I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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