The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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