Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
