After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
