I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
