i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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