if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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