just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
