hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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