Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
