Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
