If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
