I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
