I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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