i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
