Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize