if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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