Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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