Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
