she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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