hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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