Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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