fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
