This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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