Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
