a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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