If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sorry about my life...
Everclear isn't food dammit
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize