Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
