tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
