He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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