remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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