if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
