i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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