She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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