I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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