I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
