don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
