so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
