Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
