Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
