New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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