I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
