Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
