he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
