"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
