He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize