After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
